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Away from the internets, I've been trying to articulate this post coherently in my head for a better part of a day. The easy part: sorry to anyone who might have been confused by the sudden disappearance! Which I can sum up for anyone avoiding the tl;dr explanation below by saying that... well, I was having a FUCK EVERYTHING couple of days, and Needed Some Time. And to everyone whose emails I found waiting for me only a short time ago: I can't even put into words how much they mean to me (and I'm fairly sure nobody wants a video of me starting to cry every time I look at my inbox). Thank you. Sincerely.
So, what happened? Well, to paraphrase Mika: listening too hard to anonymice, oh, that's gonna get you down.
Observe.
Yeah, I know, Rule #1 of the internet - never listen to trolls. But it's different, isn't it, when it's someone piping up to confirm one of your worst and ugliest opinions yourself. I've been seeing that etched on the inside of my eyelids, like my very own I must not tell lies, every day since then. Every day. So, I suppose, Anonymouse, we shall pat you on the back for that, because it worked.
Boy did it ever. I've always compensated for the feeling with a deliberate and belligerent self-belief - you know, a conscious refusal to let people tell me that I wasn't good enough, didn't deserve something, didn't have the right, and I'd damn well show anyone who tried. But lately, the past year or so, that just hasn't been enough to paper over the cracks.
Because secretly, everyone thinks you're a -
It's difficult. To know that there are things behind your back. But not always - never fully - what.
And it's difficult to know that - that because I think that airing dirty laundry in front of people whose business it is none whatsoever of is one of the most repugnant things I could ever do - that I will never, ever have a chance to tell my side of the story, to defend myself against things (some of which I know for a fact to be untrue) that have been said.
(Let's not talk, right now, about how - and I don't use this word lightly - devastating it is, every time, to find that people you let in closest of all see fit to air those private, private things between you. But then, what right have I to hope or trust that they wouldn't/won't? Perhaps that makes me - right - a cunt with a sense of entitlement.)
But - then I think - why? Tell my side of it, I mean. I mean, I would love it to make all the difference in the world, to help people to see that I am not that person, I want it more than anything, but - I think I am.
Secretly, I believe that
That I have no right to to be gutted by the things I'm gutted by, and still dealing with every day, even now - no right to be jealous of the things I'm jealous of, to want some of the things I want from some people, to ask of some of you some of the things I've asked of you lately, nor even slightly deserve to get them.
So maybe this is fine:
And I honestly and truly feel - and have had plenty of help in being made to feel - like a selfish bitch for clinging to people's ankles, when I'm scared and I'm lonely, and asking them to stay with me in the dark.
Just, when people you call friends, starting with some of the ones you care about most in the world, secretly think so too - it gets... oppressive. It gets a little hard to hold my head up high, all the time.
And since it's on theme, I'm going to take this opportunity to say: seriously. If you don't like me? Get the fuck off my LJ, basically, because as you can see, I've got those bases covered just fine all by myself.
So. It all got A Bit Much, and I made things go away for a bit. I'm a bit shaky, still, and not sure I'm back-back yet. But we'll see.
So, what happened? Well, to paraphrase Mika: listening too hard to anonymice, oh, that's gonna get you down.
Observe.
Yeah, I know, Rule #1 of the internet - never listen to trolls. But it's different, isn't it, when it's someone piping up to confirm one of your worst and ugliest opinions yourself. I've been seeing that etched on the inside of my eyelids, like my very own I must not tell lies, every day since then. Every day. So, I suppose, Anonymouse, we shall pat you on the back for that, because it worked.
Boy did it ever. I've always compensated for the feeling with a deliberate and belligerent self-belief - you know, a conscious refusal to let people tell me that I wasn't good enough, didn't deserve something, didn't have the right, and I'd damn well show anyone who tried. But lately, the past year or so, that just hasn't been enough to paper over the cracks.
Because secretly, everyone thinks you're a -
It's difficult. To know that there are things behind your back. But not always - never fully - what.
And it's difficult to know that - that because I think that airing dirty laundry in front of people whose business it is none whatsoever of is one of the most repugnant things I could ever do - that I will never, ever have a chance to tell my side of the story, to defend myself against things (some of which I know for a fact to be untrue) that have been said.
(Let's not talk, right now, about how - and I don't use this word lightly - devastating it is, every time, to find that people you let in closest of all see fit to air those private, private things between you. But then, what right have I to hope or trust that they wouldn't/won't? Perhaps that makes me - right - a cunt with a sense of entitlement.)
But - then I think - why? Tell my side of it, I mean. I mean, I would love it to make all the difference in the world, to help people to see that I am not that person, I want it more than anything, but - I think I am.
Secretly, I believe that
That I have no right to to be gutted by the things I'm gutted by, and still dealing with every day, even now - no right to be jealous of the things I'm jealous of, to want some of the things I want from some people, to ask of some of you some of the things I've asked of you lately, nor even slightly deserve to get them.
So maybe this is fine:
And I honestly and truly feel - and have had plenty of help in being made to feel - like a selfish bitch for clinging to people's ankles, when I'm scared and I'm lonely, and asking them to stay with me in the dark.
Just, when people you call friends, starting with some of the ones you care about most in the world, secretly think so too - it gets... oppressive. It gets a little hard to hold my head up high, all the time.
And since it's on theme, I'm going to take this opportunity to say: seriously. If you don't like me? Get the fuck off my LJ, basically, because as you can see, I've got those bases covered just fine all by myself.
So. It all got A Bit Much, and I made things go away for a bit. I'm a bit shaky, still, and not sure I'm back-back yet. But we'll see.