sophistry | (no subject)

I suppose I'm glad Valentine's Day is over. I don't virulently loathe it, the way some people seem to - I can get behind the idea of a day dedicated to the appreciation of people you care about. But I really am grossly uncomfortable with PDAs and public mushiness, and... well, I don't really have any memory of being honest with someone about how I feel about them that doesn't involve it being thrown back in my face and me looking like a loser.

I wonder if it's just a learned aversion to intimacy. I'm the same way - or sort of - about physical intimacy. I mean, I'm fine with giving someone a hug, and I... okay, I won't have no problems with, say, squishing into a crowded car-seat with a friend. I'll have a moment of :\, sure. But it's no big deal. But the thought of any non-platonic sort of touch just... makes my skin crawl. Of course, not that I've had all that much experience - of all the two people who have ever displayed That Kind of interest in me, one was only after one thing, and the other, um, thought I was asleep. And, okay, that makes it sound way worse than it actually was - it was fairly innocent, considering, but. It's the principle of the thing. Even before, I'd been very personal-space-y, and I had mentioned that touching was a bit of a Thing, and it just... squicks me out pretty severely to think about it, even now.

So, uh. I forget what my point was, a bit, except to say that I am aware that I am emotionally stunted, and regardless of how I feel, anything more than excited keyboardmashing and typing *clings!!1!* makes me squirm in discomfort. So, just, you know... take this opportunity, before I chicken out of typing it or filter it to, like, four people, to remind yourselves that even when I'm being guarded and cross and upset and bitchy and hard-hearted and mean, I really am thankful for you guys. All of you. And I'd happily squish into a car-seat with any of you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sounds almost exactly like me a couple of years ago. Then I stumbled upon the right counsellor/advisor/healer (when the student is ready, the teacher appears). For me, anyway, it turns out to have been a HUGE self-esteem issue. I'm a helluva lot better in my head, but haven't yet made the steps toward physical intimacy. I have no doubts now, though, that that will come in its own time.

Sorry, TMI, right? Except to illustrate that it won't just magically fix itself. And it's worth "fixing".

Hugs.

Well. Even though our relationship is not romantic, I have to say that if you were to tell me how you feel about me you would not be rejected.

Unless you suddenly hated me.

That would be a problem.

♥

*squishes you*

I miss yooooou!

Soph, we've known each other going on 7 years now, and I would NEVER, EVER throw anything in your face or reject you, regardless of what you say.

I know that anything you tell me will, in the long run, be in my best interests (4th year as a whole).

You are wonderfully loved and cared about. I miss you dear.

p.s. ☺ ♥ ☺